About Fairness, Forgiveness and Fate
by Rae F. Scott
Summary: An alternative ending to "Chosen". Spuffy. I suck at summaries.


A/N: So, this is a little Spuffy fic. I just watched the series finale on dvd and I was crying like a baby. that end just was not fair. So i rewrote it. It's kinda cheesy. but who cares? Not me.

The story is written in a you perspective. It alters between Buffy's and Spike's lines in italics are quotes from Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet. It's basically an alternative end to "Chosen". Fluffy Spuffy stuff.

**About Fairness, Forgiveness And Fate**

You are almost blinded by the harsh light of the sun that is suddenly flooding the underworld. You have not seen such a bright light in weeks. No, you have never seen a light so bright. When your eyes got used to it, you see your enemies decaying around you, just like that. Poof! And they're gone. And while you are still wondering how and when and can't believe that you will probably still make it out of there - that you will live, you suddenly recognize the source of the light that saves all of your lives.

There he is, standing in the hot, burning sunlight, looking it straight in the face for the first time in centuries without fear. The shimmering amulet that he is wearing around his neck surrounding him with daylight. He is smiling.

"Spike!" you scream while running over to him.

"I can feel it, Buffy…" he says with an expression of peace on his face.

"What?" you ask. Your voice is trembling because you have not forgotten what happens to vampires who sunbathe for too long.

"My soul. It's really there. It kinda stings." he replies. He does not say goodbye to you but you can feel it. You'll make it out of here. He won't. Doesn't want to. This is his moment of glory, his moment of eternal redemption. And he seems to enjoy every second of it. You don't. All you can think of is how you will break if you lose him. How you will burst into tears and scream and call out his name over and over again as if it could bring him back. You are so not ready to let him go. Not now. Now that you finally see the man in the monster. Now that he's sneaked his way into your heart, now that you are finally able to let him in.

…_I dare no longer stay._

_Go, get thee hence, for I will not away…_

"Go on then." he says, slightly smiling at you. You feel tears coming up and you shake your head protesting.

"No. No, you've done enough. You could still…" you stutter. He can't just stay. He is selfish after all. Wants to be the hero of the day, getting all the credit for saving the world. Selfish son of a bitch.

"No, you've beaten them back, it's for me to do the cleanup." he cuts you off.

*****

You feel free and complete for the first time in more than a hundred years. You have no more regrets, you are forgiven. All this time since you have gotten your soul back, you have been looking for peace. Now you have it. This is how it should end. You would die for a greater cause. You're saving the world - so _she_ could go on living in it. You are saving this bloody planet and yet, for you, it's all about her.

"Gotta move, lamb. I think it's fair to say school's out for the bloody summer."

You take one last look at her and notice how she tries to fight back her tears and miserably fails in doing so. Like pure crystals they shimmer in the bright light that comes from nothing else but you. She grieves for you. After all, that was all you could expect. She could never love you, but at least she cares. That's all you could ask for and more. Her friendship, her respect. But as if she could read your thoughts, she swallows, shakes her head as if she wants to tell you that you are horribly wrong thinking that she does not love you. You beg her to go but she just won't leave. Instead, she comes closer to you, reaches out her hand to you, entwining her fingers with yours. Right now you are more than grateful to just feel her one more time, be close to her, be hers. Just for now, for the last couple of seconds of your undead life.

"I love you." she says. And she means it. You can tell by the look in her eyes and by the beating of her heart, which you can clearly hear. For a quarter of a second that feels like a lifetime, you completely forget about everything around you. I love you. She said it. I love you. Just like that. I love you. And you now remember every touch, every word she's ever said to you, every fight, every kiss that you shared. I love you. Finally. Life is not fair. You're dying.

*****

I love you. There, you admit it. Now. I love you. Because there will be no tomorrow. Not for him. I love you. You curse yourself for not telling him earlier. For not telling him yesterday night when you were lying close to him in his protective arms, for not telling him so long ago. You were too proud, too arrogant, too much occupied with the wish for normalcy to simply accept the fact that you have loved him all the way. He, the vampire, one of the kind you're supposed to kill, your mortal enemy.

_My only love sprung from my only hate!_

_Too early seen unknown, and known too late._

_Prodigious birth of love it is to me_

_That I must love a loathed enemy…_

You did not want to want him, you wanted to hate him and yet, here you are, wanting him. Wanting him to run away from this place that is nothing but darkness and chaos and death, wanting him to come with her, wanting him to live… and to love. Love you. You are not too proud now. But what does it matter. Life is not fair. He's dying. You're not. Not this time.

You do not even realize that both your hands - yours and his - are burning. You do not care when you finally do. One last touch, just one more second, that's all you will get.

_Eyes, look your last…_

You caused him so much pain in the past, now his life ends with causing you pain. Fair enough. You move closer to him, pulling him into a hug, holding his burning body tight as the earth starts quaking and everything around you falls apart.

_Arms, take your last embrace…_

You do not care. Holding him close like this just once more. That's all that matters to you now. Feeling his hand caressing your golden hair, feeling his skin touching yours, pressing your lips on his just one more time. Just one more time.

_And lips, oh, you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death…_

And when you give him this kiss that means everything to him - and to you - you feel the purity of his angelic soul. There is nothing but love. For you. You see it, the beauty of his soul and now you feel honored to be loved by what is the most beautiful and pure creature you have ever seen.

Just as you finally part from him, looking into the two icy pools, you feel how your body is leaving ground, divided into millions of molecules, flying away from him like a feather.

_Thus with a kiss I die…_

_*****_

You feel how every inch of your body starts to burn. Your feet, your hands, your face, all of you is decaying, and within seconds, all that would be left of you would fit into an ashtray. You'll be gone. And nothing will be left because after all, you are a vampire. And vampires do not go to bloody heaven. They just disappear. Only that you don't.

You can clearly see how your body becomes a small pile of ashes. You smell burnt flesh and hair, and you hear the amulet hitting the ground. You know that it is finally over. And yet, you are still here. Why, you wonder, why aren't you gone. And then it is dawning on you. The vampire that you used to be just died. He disappeared, decayed like he was supposed to. But what's really immortal is still there. Your soul.

*****

You feel dizzy and a little shaky on your legs when your body rematerializes. Right in front of you is Willow. Your best friend. She did this. She used a teleportation spell to get you out of there. Out of chaos. Away from death. Away from him. But you are grateful that she did it. You never would have been able to let go of him. You would have died if it wasn't for Willow. She know this and so do you.

"Buffy! Are you ok?" she asks concerned. You walk over to her fast and hug her, starting to cry. You collapse in your best friend's arms, slowly sinking to the ground, taking her with you. And she just holds you, well knowing in what pain you are. Understanding that there is nothing she could do to help you but holding you, comforting you, being here for you.

And as your friend holds you, the earth begins to shake around you, it is roaring, rumbling like thunder and within seconds a whole town disappears, swallowed by hellmouth. And with it your homes, your pasts, memories - good and bad ones - and him. Spike. He won. It's over. Goodbye then.

_A glooming peace this morning with it brings_

_The sun for sorrow will not show his head…_

You try to get up but you can't. In your grief, you forgot about the fatal wound the First had caused you. Now you remember. Your emotional agony starts to mix with physical pain. You feel your every bone, every inch of your skin, the burnt flesh on your palm, colliding with the emptiness that has been followed by the loss of him. You can't get up, even if you wanted to, you couldn't.

But Willow and Xander are here to help you get on your feet. Your best friends, your twin pillars. You thank God a million times that they are still with you. But at the same time, you curse God for taking him away from you and you collapse in their arms once again, crying harder. Xander catches your delicate, injured body and carries you to the bus, while Willow tries to relieve your wounded and distressed soul with soothing thoughts. Thoughts of Dawn, your beloved sister who made it out there alive as well, thoughts of how they once again saved the world, of how you are not the only slayer anymore and finally thoughts and happy memories of Spike. You heartbeat slows down and your breath becomes more calm. For now, you start to feel better. For now you feel safe.

You fall asleep in Xander's arms within seconds.

*****

You find yourself in a place of nowhere. Everything around you is just white, you are surrounded by nothing, waiting. You don't know what exactly you are waiting for, as this was the first time you died properly.

"Welcome, William. I have been waiting for you." the voice of a young woman shakes you out of your thoughts. You turn around quickly, and see her standing there, as if she came out of nowhere to… nowhere. She looks pure, and beautiful, dressed all in white. White shirt, white jeans, white leather jacket. She is almost blinding you with that much whiteness. Only her hair is black, silky hair that is falling into her face.

"Who are you? And where am I?" you ask curiously.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Haven't introduced myself, have I? Well, I kind of like it when they jump out of their skin. And then I appear and am all so mysterious, you know." she giggles.

You don't have time for bloody giggling. You want to know what's going on. She notices your annoyance.

"Ah, well. I am a porter. Kind of. My name is Faye. Ok, I actually don't have a name but if I could pick a name for myself, this would be it." You sigh in annoyance.

"Right, you're not of the patient kind. Anyway, I'm here to give you a choice."

"A choice?"

"Yes."

"And…?"

"And what?"

"And what do I choose?" you keep pushing.

"Ah, right. You choose where you want to go." she replies.

"Well, I don't think I'm going anywhere so soon. You know I just died. Again."

"I know. But the first time you died, you became evil. A vampire. A bad, rude man. Now this time, you saved the world. And while your body died, the soul that you had came here. You know, everything's well and nothing can be ill, the immortal part with angels lives… or something like that."

"So I'm… in heaven? This is heaven?" you stare at her, mouth opened. If this was heaven, you want to go tobloody hell right away.

"No, silly! It's a long train ride to heaven. This is just… let's say a holding track. And now you can choose between the following options: One of them is that you indeed go to heaven. And you'll see, it is the perfect place to be. No pain, no hatred, no solitude, no more sadness. It is warm and full of love and you will feel complete. You were looking for redemption and forgiveness. You have it. Up there in heaven. Sound good?" she explains with a warm smile on her face.

"It sure does. Only that…" Only that for you, heaven is where she is. And she is not here. She is not in heaven. How could you feel complete in a perfect place if she was not there?

"I know." she mentions, as if she could read your mind. "Therefore, here's your second option: You go back. Back to earth, back to life and hence… back to her."

"I can go back?" you ask in disbelief.

"You can. If that is your choice, I will send you back down there, just like you were before you died." she nods.

"Just like before? Meaning as a vampire with a soul?"

"Nope. I mean as a human being, a man. As the man you used to be before you died - for the first time." she returns.

"Oh."

"Yeah. But before you decide you should know that being reborn come with some strings attached."

"What strings?"

"Well, you would be an ally to the Powers that Be, which means that you would have to work for and with them and I'd have to provide you with some superhuman strength. Life with the slayer will always be dangerous… Gotta keep up with her." she explains. So far, you like those strings.

"Now, let's get to the not so happy part. You will remember. Every single life you took as a vampire, every evil deed - you will remember. And those memories will torture you just like they did when you got your soul back. They will never go away. For as long as you live."

"Oh." you murmur. You remember how you almost completely lost your mind when you got your soul back. You think of the voices in your head that would not stop screaming and the guilt that you were carrying heavily on your shoulders. A burning sickness overcomes you. And it would return whenever silence would surround you. You swallow.

"Ok, here's the bright side to it: You will not live forever. You will not be burdened with these memories eternally. If you decide to live again, it means that you will die again also. And as I said before, heaven does not hold a grudge against you."

"Why am I given a choice?" you suddenly wonder. During the whole conversation with this weirdo Faye or whatever she likes to call herself, you have not thought about why you of all people were given a second chance. After all, you did kill a lot of people.

"Because, dear William, you sacrificed yourself for the world. You earned your soul back and although she gave you every reason to leave the apocalypse to itself and go with her, you stayed. Haven't met a lot of murderers who would do that. Now, have you made up your mind yet?" You nod and look at her, smiling, knowing exactly what you want. Who cares about torturing memories when having them means to be with her? You don't.

"I want to go back."

"I thought so." Faye smiled. "So be it. Nice to meet you, William. See you later."

You open your eyes and find yourself in the bus with the scoobies, the slayers and her. She is sleeping, yet she could not stop crying. She misses you, that you can tell.

"Buffy!" you whisper into her ear, hoping she would hear you.

*****

"Buffy." a familiar voice echoes in your head over and over again. At first, it was vague and you could not recognize it. But the harder you listened, the more clear it became. And now, you realize that it is him. He calls you. You must be dreaming. You open your eyes and find yourself in the bus, your head resting on a sleeping Xander's shoulder, Willow sitting in the seat right in front of you, holding your hand.

"Buffy." he repeats. There it is again. His voice. But you're not sleeping. Not dreaming.

"Buffy, can you hear me?" he asks. You must be hallucinating.

"I am here." he says. "I'm real. Sort of."

"No. No, you died." you reply, and gone is the calmness and the temporal peace Willow gave you.

"Yes, indeed, I died. The vampire died. He's gone. Now this is what's left of me." he explains. You look at your burned palm. What's left of him. What's left of him is a pile of ashes, you think. But then, your palm suddenly starts to feel warm. It is glowing in all kinds of colors. You hold your breath for a while, trying to put it together, trying to find out what he means by 'what's left of me'. And then, your desperate sobs turn into a slight smile and you recall what he told you down there.

"_Buffy, I can feel it. My soul, it's really there…" _

"Your soul. It really is here." you whisper in tears of joy.

"Yes." he returns and now you can see him, standing right next to you, looking so real and yet so far away. You know that you are the only person in the bus who can hear or see him. No one else had ever seen his soul. Only you. You get up from your seat and place yourself in front of his aura. You somehow know exactly what you have to do as he reaches out his hand to you, just as he did down there, underground, in chaos world. Again, you put your small hand in his big one, your fingers entwined, holding on tight. A harsh light immediately floods the vehicle and forces Giles to slam on the brake and the others to wake from their sleep.

*****

Your body slowly starts to regain its form. Bone by bone, muscle by muscle. Flesh and skin. And within minutes, you are what appears to be your old self again. Only with a couple of radical differences. Your hair has its natural color - a light brown - again, you feel blood running through your veins, from your feet, into your legs, your stomach - right in to your heart, which bothers to beat for the first time in more than a hundred years, and with your first heartbeat comes your first breath. A deep breath - like the kind of breath you take if you'd been under water way too long. You look into her eyes, feel your heart make a jump, breathe in and out over and over again. Breathing. You are breathing. You are alive.

Buffy swallows. She slowly puts her other hand on your chest, right above the place where your heart beats regularly against it. Next, she places her head right beside her hand, listening carefully, crying tears of amazement and joy.

"Your heart. I can feel your heart beating!" she whispers

"He's alive…" Willow murmurs in disbelief.

"So the vampire really is gone. But you aren't." Buffy mentions. You nod, letting go of her left hand that has still been entwined with yours and pulling her closer, hugging her, feeling her body close to yours, soul to soul, heart to heart.

"I meant what I said down there." she tells you.

"I know, pet. I love you, too." you answer before sealing her lips with yours. It is not goodbye. Not this time. You saved the world. And for once, life is fair. You're alive. Both of you.


End file.
